Twenty years

It didnt happen all at once. The youngest were now twenty-five years old. We had lived thru the agony of losing a son and brother. For ten years after his murder we had to regroup. Three of the girls were still in high school. Being just fifteen and sixteen. The twins had a birthday that February on the 28th or 29th I cant remember because they were leap year twins. Their older sister had a Birthday that February, the 18th, two days after her brother was murdered at her 20th birthday party at her house. Yes, she had moved in with several other college students and decided to have her party. Every ten years she would be reminded on her 30th, 40th, 50th etc. That her brother was gone ten more years.

It took quite a while for her to even allow me to talk of her brother Jerry. It was just in the last few months, and it had been thirty years this February 16th. She never did get counseling. She said it was a waste. The girls tried but didnt like it. I went. I was prescribed anti depressants. I tried going to “Parents of Murdered Children” (POMC). But to be a a large group of people, telling their horrible stories was too much for me, being there alone. I needed support. The girls would’nt go. My parents had already passed away and I had no siblings and had no husband or significant other. I had been divorced ten years before my son died. And there had’nt been much time for a lasting relationships with five kids under the age of twelve. With working and going to college, there was only so much time for romance.

Twenty years is how long I have lived in pain. No not the pain of losing my son. The pain of losing his sisters. Not by a knife, but by their own doing.

I am reclaiming my life.

Today I have decided that I am going to reclaim my life. For the past twenty years, ten years after my oldest child and only son was murdered by a group of men that claimed to be the Linda Vista Crips. The man who actually drove a knife into my sons heart, is still in prison. It was thirty years February 16th. That I lost my son.

Impeachment #2

Well DT did it again. He will be the first American President impeached twice!! Good. And 10 republicans in the house voted along with democrats to impeach DT. He was impeached because of his inciting violence that led to the breach and destruction of the capital. And storming into the chambers. These people who identify from all sorts of different groups; proud boys, women for America, all right wing white nationalists. Intermingled with white evangelicals that give this movement the cover of doing this for god, for Jesus to be precise. What a crock!!

Enough is enough

I have spent almost four years listening to Donald J. Trump. I couldnt believe he had won in the first place. To me Trump was the guy that kept harassing President Obama, that he wasnt born in The USA. And because of that he was an illegitimate president because presidents need to be natural born citizens. Of course Obama was born in USA. He was born on Hawaii. His mother was American and his father was from Kenya. So what. But DJT had to keep it up for years. Obama even showed DJT a birth certificate. Which he did not need to do. He just wanted to shut him up, but it didnt. Finally big mouth finally stopped. Probably not until Obama was leaving office, turning it over to Donald!!

Can you imagine the horror when I woke up in the morning in my apartment I Cambodia to Donald John Trump had won the presidency. OMG how could this have happened?? He was the guy on TV that fired people on his awful show, The Apprentice. He was the creep in the tabloids for getti g divorced, then getting married, then getting divorced. Then getting married. Yikes this guy was a mess. He built casinos in Atlantic City. Then lost casinos in AC. Went bankrupt, I believe 7 times. Sued everyone, all the time. Stiffs contractors and sub contractors. People sued him all the time also. One big one were students of Trump University, sued him and he had to pay 25 million buck a roos to the defrauded students.

Calling Dr Fauci!!

Well since Dr Fauci testified at the senate hearing and gave his medical expert Testimony concerning the covid19, it seems that T was not any too happy . He stated he did not agree. Since T does not have a medical degree or as far as I can tell any wiff of compentency concerning a pandemic I put my money on Fauci. But I am sure we will not be seeing much of the beloved Dr. Fauci anytime soon.

So if we dont test….

This person in charge just said”if you dont test you dont have cases.” So dont test and the covid 29 will magically disappear. Puff. It’s not there because the tests say so!!! This is bat shit crazy.

Can’ t travel-and have no idea when travel will ever be back!

I travelled to Thailand and Cambodia. I lived there. I dont know if that will ever be possible in the near future. Health care has bern a concern on Cambodia. Thailsnd has great healthcare. Buy it get insurance to cover you if you live there is another story.

The guy from Texas who fell sick in Cambodia and I travelled to Surin in Thailand in an ambulance recently died. My friend at the other end outside Pattaya, Thailand found him a semi hospital setting. He didnt even know him. But found him a place along with his Thai wife and was in constant contact with his family in Texas and Florida. His older brother finally came out and took over. But I would never want to be in that position. He would have died in Siem Reap outside under that tree. So the Hope of ever returning are pretty slim. That whole episode was a wake up call!!

I have never been political-until now.

Well I guess my interest in politics started with this administration then any previous Administrations.

This pandemic is just crazy. It’s like the keystone cops. There is no leadership from the top. States, cities, counties all doing what ever they want. Armed protesters. ARMED!! People want their liberty. Liberty to get sick and die and take along innocent people along with them. Yes the economy is in chaos. But we need to have a plan. Testing. Tracing and opening safely. Nope just cried into bars. I just dont feel safe.

Better Day Today

This covid19 has been really disorienting.

Forced to shelter in place. Not that I would go out even without shelter in place order here in California.

Yes I have been back in California since december 2018. My friend Mike is back in Thailand under restrictions


It’s been chaos all over the country.Not enough testing to safely open the economy. The hospitals overwhelmed with covid 19 patients without proper ppe. Medical staff using face masks all day long. Not changing between patients. Not enough gowns.

Bodies piling up I inside nursing homes. Hundreds dead in nursing homes. I dont think anyone was paying attention to the old people.

Prisons are petie dishes. These people cant get out. Cant fet out of nursing homes can’t get out of prison. Can you imagine think im ng you could die and nothing you can do about it. They weren’t even testing. Just dying.

Then we have meat packing plants with hundreds of positive tests when they finally tested and then bringing it out to their families and the community

Great day at Cardiff beach, California!!

Well there is nothing more uplifting then a day at the ocean! Beautiful ride along historic Route 101 along the Pacific coast.

Cardiff, California
Loving the ocean!!

Started this blog “for the lost”

I started this blog basically as an outreach to others who have been lost in the chaos.

Back in the late 60’s early 70′ there was no terminology describing domestic violence. That wasn’t even a term. Not battered women-nothing except wife beating. Which wasn’t a very pleasant term for the victims.

Of course this has been going on since the beginning of time and pretty much was ignored. It was a family affair. “Don’t hang out your dirty laundry”. Learn to be quiet.

Police were instructed to just break it up. No one was arrested and victim were left to their shame. Church’s did not support a women. And my church the Catholic church was against divorce. I cant say I ever even thought of going to a priest.

There were no domestic violence shelters. My own mother told me to “learn to be quiet”. I was young, 18 with a baby. The baby was the son who was taken by a knife to his heart. I won’t even go into that.

So I stayed. I was thrown down stairs. I had my head held in the kitchen sink. He ripped off the towel rack in bathroom and threatened me. I was miserable and had no one to turn to.

My friend knew but she never said leave. I didn’t know about social services. We lived in the “country” farms etc in upstate New York. I did have a friend whose mother had her arm broken by her father. We thought nothing of it. “Oh there goes old lady ….going to the hospital” Crazy.

So I stayed. Ashamed and humiliated that “my husband” would hurt me. It must be me. My parents won’t help.My friend won’t help. So I will just be quiet.

I know this is way to depressing. But it has a purpose. To reach people or women in particular that have faced challenges and think that they are alone. This blog is to connect the possibly lost!!

It isn’t all dark. I went to Oceanside beach in California and it was theraputic. Love the ocean!!

Day at Oceanside Beach in county of San Diego, CA
Same place-different direction

After my son died.

At the time my son died I was still working on getting my life after divorce on track. This did not help. At the time I had just started at State University. I continued going to class. I continued working. But going to work and dealing with the public was just too much for me to handle. I went out on partial disability from my job. But I continued school. I didn’t take a full load, but dropped a class. It kept me going. Having a goal. The three daughters remaining struggled along. I changed their school. But they didn’t adjust and returned to school in the community. I had wanted them to be away from everything where their brother died.

My oldest daughter went to live with her father. I think. To tell you the truth I am not sure. Everything was in a fog. She has never spoken about her brother and didn’t allow me to speak of him either. I remember driving to class and being almost transported. I should have told my professors what had happened. Because my grades tanked. It’s just a blurr. I had no family in California. My parents had both passed away in my twenties. I was an only child. My sons friends were there for us. Especially his best friend since he was four years old. That was comforting. So it was a pretty lonely road.

They arrested the man who murdered my son. There was a trial. He was convicted of second degree murder and given 27 years to life. We all attended the trial. My oldest daughter needed to testify. The judge had to clear the court of the gang bangers because they were yelling at my sons girlfriend calling her a bitch. I lost it and had our DA have the judge ban them from the trial. I don’t even remember what the murderer looked like. We all gave our victim impact statements. He was gone. Things were pretty rough financially. The victims fund payed for my sons funeral. They also would pay for counseling. The girls didnt want to go. I went to the psychiatrist and had anti depressants prescribed. I didn’t get counseling. I don’t know why. My aunt died six months later and we all flew to New York. We stayed at her house in the Bronx and got to see my cousins and my children’s fathers family. She left us money from insurance her sale of the house and bank accounts. Which helped our financial situation. But our psychological situation was dire. I had been pretty alone after the divorce and trying to get on my feet. I wasn’t working when I divorced. The twins were only one and a half when I left and then my father died. He left me etc and I lived in his 2 bedroom home in the country 50 miles outside of NYC. I stayed with the kids for six months but decided it would be brutal in the winter and would have to build on to accommodate six people. So I left and returned to our home in San Diego. I rented out his house. By now the twins were three and Megan the middle was four. My oldest Jerry was ten and my oldest daughter Claire was eight.

Not all doom and gloom. Actually at my oldest daughter’s hometown with my two grandchildren.


Lakes in Irvin, CA
Pretty cool shopping center with playyard for the kiddies in Irvine, , CA